Easy

I’m here .

They’re going to sedate me soon.I won’t feel a thing.

I’m laying on a cold hard operating table.Doctors shuffle around adjusting their equipment .

“nervous eh ? ” one of the masked surgeons says with big wide eyes.

I manage a scowl and grump with much effort.

No matter how many drugs they’re going to inject into my tried veins , I still feel everything .They don’t see the scars they leave on my soul.They don’t know about the late nights throwing my guts up wishing it would all just end .They’re never had chemicals forced into their bodies.

How could a body just decide to self-destruct ?

It’s MY body .I’M the one who’s supposed to control .I’M supposed to decide what happens.But apparently , that was never my decision to make .

Brain cancer stage 2.

I might die . This might be the last time i’m conscious in this world . Do I want to spend it contemplating the misery  I had to go through ?

Voices invade my mind til I could barely distinguish my own .I remember back in 5th grade , march 1st , it was my birthday .It’s one of the few memories that survived my bad memory .My mom got me out of school and we spent the day at the lake . I still remember how the water shimmered like blue crystals and stars , the horizon merging with the fluttering clouds like waves .Peanut butter and oreo sandwiches ,That was out tradition , Our special something.The tickling Wind breezed by while my mom sang to me softly .

Happy birthday Skye.

I remember that day so clearly .I remember the smell of cotton fields she preferred.She hated fruity smells and so did I .My biological father was never in the pictures.It was just me and her .

7 months later she went missing . I’ll never forget that day . How could I ?

I cried so hard I couldn’t cry myself to sleep.

My grandparents took me in and I never cried again . Not because I was happy , I wasn’t anywhere near that . I didn’t cry because hope was slicing me inside. I kept thinking she’s going to be back , she wouldn’t want to see me like this . I had to be better for her.

8 years later and nothing changed . She never came home . My grandparents got too old to acknowledged my existence and I got cancer. In a twisted way , it was the only constant I could hold on to for a while .

Sometimes she talked with me , I would almost believe she was in my head battling with the tumor . Other times I forgot her voice & face. But the smell of soft cotton fields ? I could never forget that .

Today , she stayed in my head comforting me . I allowed myself to indulge and reminisce for one last time .Our memories , our fights , our everything .

” sedative is going to kick in soon . Count to ten sweetheart .” The nurse said with a cheery smile .

I’m about to get my brain cracked open , what’s so cheery about that ?!

I grunt and silently count.

Maybe she died and that’s why she never came .Maybe I’m about to follow her.

The stale florescent lights fade and I go under.

**********************************************************************************************

I listen to the breathings of my soul.

Slow

Calm

Steady

Concerned

For a moment , no voices existed but my own.I dared to look at my reflection.

Is this what I really look like ?

Is this what people see?

Do they notice the lost look underneath ?

Do they see through the layers of protection I’ve gathered through the years ?

I feel the breathings of heart.

Heavy

Sickening

Foul

Unsure

For a moment , no flashbacks invaded my mind.

It was just me and her .

  

 

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